More interested in discovering the real me

Vs. Creating a new me

Emotional Dumpling is a newsletter by Suki Chan. If you liked reading today’s story, you can share an excerpt of it with a friend or on social media. Your support means the world to me. Happy reading!

all photos from pinterest

I can barely make it through the mall nowadays without getting a headache. Bless bubble tea stands at the malls because, without them, I wouldn’t survive!

That’s the thing about getting older: you start to realize how heavy stuff can get.

When I was younger and worked in Aritzia, I loved buying clothes and tuning into the latest trends. I would feel genuine excitement every time I tried on new items. There’s something special about being young and wanting to show off that lightning-fast metabolism with skin-tight clothes.

Now, the thought of skinny jeans makes my tummy sigh. The more I think about shrinking my body, my God-given fat, my organs… into things that don’t fit me… the more I want to unsubscribe from every promotional email in my inbox.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with buying stuff. I still do when I find something special. I’m just aware that adding isn’t always the answer.

I’ve noticed some similarities between shopping and personal development.

The idea of manifesting something new, whether it is a new coat or a new me, always feels exciting at first. But eventually, once I wear enough robes and roles, I begin to feel watered down. 

Who is the “me” that feels suffocated? Well, the real me. My true essence.

People in self-development often speak about creating the “best version” of ourselves. We are motivated to eliminate negative patterns by disciplining ourselves into a better us. This often means: not thinking poorly, not eating poorly, not behaving poorly, and obviously, not being a sh*tty person.

Okay, cool, but what if we have a bad day? What if we feel anger and lash out?

Anyone who has had a bad day and is honest about it knows that one does not simply teleport from Mordor to the Shire (hoping you got this LOTR reference).

We need time. We need grace.

I’ve been adding more good into my life by holding space for the bad.

When it’s a good day, I celebrate it by taking mental notes of why I feel great and what I am grateful for. When I have a bad day, I also stay present with my feelings and remind myself that these challenges are a part of my purpose, too. 

As Zora Neale Hurston once said, “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.” 

Stop trying to force-quit yourself (and your inner child) from who you are now.

Love yourself by loving being yourself.